I don’t have all the answers.

A little over a year ago, I started sharing my story on this blog. The problem is, I began to believe that I needed to be an expert on suffering to write anything worth sharing. I was worried that I wasn't the right person to share her experience. While I've continued to learn over the past year, I feel like I continually take two steps forward and then slide five steps back as I try to wrestle with God about why all this happened. I have a list of excuses as long as my leg to avoid pressing into the work of understanding how my faith in a good God intersects with the suffering and brokenness we experience every day.

In a couple weeks, we will observe the second anniversary of Emmi's death, and I still don't have all the answers. I don't know why Emmi had to have cancer, why she had to suffer through the pain of disease and treatment, or why leukemia had to take her life. Now that we're nearly two years from the day she left us, I feel that I need to pull myself together, that I need to function more normally. I worry my grief will be too much for people I care about. I get anxious about new situations and relationships because Emmi will always be a part of our family, but our experience feels like too heavy a thing to thrust on a new acquaintance. It's extremely tempting to tamp down my feelings and busy myself with the bustle of 'normal life,' whatever that is anymore.

For some reason, I feel like I'm still supposed to show up here and be honest about the difficult path I'm navigating. I will share what I’m reading, what I’m learning, what I’m loving, and what I’m working on. I hope that by reading my genuine struggles and how God meets me in them, you find friendship and hope. We are in this together - you are not alone climbing over whatever hard thing stands like a boulder in your path. As we look at Jesus together, I pray we find hope in nearness to him.

I'm not sure what the next days, weeks, or months will look like on this blog. I made a promise to write a monthly blog and newsletter, but so far failed to follow through on that commitment because I let discouragement win. No more of that!

I will send out a newsletter each time I write a blog post so you can keep up with my journey without having to check back here every time you wonder if I disappeared. Once I find my writing rhythm, I'll update you with realistic expectations of what to find here and when.

For now, breaking the silence, committing to remain honest instead of hiding my true questions and thoughts is a promise I can keep, and a beginning I can share. I'm not close to having all the answers or even knowing exactly how to walk with the Lord through all of this, but I hope you'll join me for the journey.